Usually, I’d be upset.
But tonight, I’m relieved. It’s like you never even existed, really. It made me feel better. Like the false hope that I once had finally evaporated, to never return.
I hesitated at first. Hesitated looking back to what once held me together. Only a short time ago. Less than a year ago, actually. I hesitated because I knew that what once held me together was the reason for falling apart every now and then.
It wasn’t the fact that our messages were mostly started by you and ended by you. Completely controlled by you. Short, but to the point, with a hint of sarcasm and laughability. That wasn’t what helped me to realize what I actually wasn’t missing out on anymore… In fact, that was actually one of the things I liked most about you. Your sarcasm and your ability to not immense yourself too emotionally into a conversation. I envied you for it, and I hated you for it. Because it made you a mystery. Someone that I wanted to get to know, but you wouldn’t let me. You got to know me real well, though.
It may have been the fact that I realized how controlling you were, though. Of course it wasn’t exactly like you were manipulating me. Although, indirectly, you were. For selfish reasons.
Realistically, it was while I was looking back to the past at the times…and small, but standout, pieces of our lives that we shared, that I realized how completely different we are today from what we were just 9 months ago. (Insert awkward sentence about how it is just a coincidence that I am posting this around the average time it takes to - usually - produce offspring. No, I am not/was not pregnant).
You have never been one for words. Now, though, you like to use words - sparingly. When you do use your words, they are not nice ones. They are usually words of complaining. What do you have to complain about? Usually things that don’t matter, in my opinion. I do have a right to that still, although you probably don’t agree.
You have turned into kind of a downer. While me, on the other hand…I have turned into an explorer.
I am not confessing this to brag about how you have become lifeless, while I have become full of life. I am posting this to thank you. And to give my deepest condolences for your loss of life…Also, maybe a little bit to brag. I can’t help it…sorry. Not really. Anyway…
Without the experience, I never would have thought to myself after being so hurt, “well, maybe I should try actually liking myself and see where that takes me for a while”
You caused me to try new things. Lots of things I regretted. And lots of things I am so glad I did, still today. You helped me realize that every single aspect of life is a learning opportunity, which is beautiful. You helped me realize that things turn out exactly opposite of how you expect.
So, you who are now known as stranger, thank you. For bringing life back into my life.